The moment I knew I wanted to marry my husband, we were mid-argument.

I know it sounds strange, but I didn’t exactly have good role models for conflict growing up. My family operated like we were stars of a reality TV show, just without the cameras. My father and I once went three days without speaking a word to each other. Somehow, coldly passing each other in the hallway and eating meals in silence felt like an effective way to convey our feelings.

I took those defective ways of relating to people into adulthood. I overreacted to perceived slights. I nursed silent grudges. I walked away from relationships rather than engage in vulnerable conversations.

Then I had the nerve to wonder why I felt so lonely!

I couldn’t see how my behavior virtually assured that I brought out the worst in others. It takes a really emotionally mature person not to respond in kind, but instead with calm and kindness.

Thankfully, my husband-to-be was that person.

We met as chemistry instructors at the Air Force Academy. Just a few months into our relationship, my worst fear happened. We got into an argument at work. I don’t remember what it was about, but I remember him leaving my office, unhappy, while I made mental preparations to walk past as if I didn’t see him in the short bit of hallway that separated our offices.

Before that could happen, he walked back into my office and quietly said, “That conversation didn’t go very well. Can we try again?”

Every ounce of anger I had melted. In fact, all of me melted. That was the moment I vowed, “I’m going to marry this man!” but also thought, “What just happened? And how can I be more like that?”

Not every argument is as quick and easy to resolve as that one was. But after more than 20 years of marriage, my patient husband has shown me there’s a better way to disagree, a way that can actually bring you closer together rather than leave you farther apart. Here are three simple rules of thumb I now utilize in all my relationships:

1. Assume good intent. Most arguments are misunderstandings that begin with one person telling themselves what the behavior of another person means. If they would do X, you tell yourself, it means they don’t respect me (or love me, or whatever explanation pops to mind). Nine times out of ten, the meaning you’re imagining isn’t true—and if you just took a breath and got in touch with your intuition, you’d know it.

What their behavior more likely means is that they are tired, hungry, or angry with themselves about something else. Or perhaps you’re the one who’s tired, hungry, or frustrated. Maybe the best thing to do is to bite your tongue in the moment, do something nice for yourself or them, and see if you still feel upset.

The point is, although someone may be behaving badly, it probably doesn’t mean what you think it means. If you’re quick enough to realize that, you can prevent many arguments from ever happening at all.

2. Avoid generalizations. You want to avoid saying things like “You always do X!” Chances are, they don’t always do that. That’s an exaggeration for the sake of anger.

But even if there is a pattern of behavior, the pattern probably doesn’t mean what you think it means either. Think of all the behaviors you do yourself, that you don’t like, but find really hard to change. Do you eat when you're feeling low? Do you procrastinate on exercise, even when you feel great afterwards? Do you take on too many tasks until you’re overwhelmed and then bail on some of them?

I personally do all of those things, to varying degrees over time. I work on it, I get better, then I get stressed and fall back on old habits and thinking. Knowing how hard it is to change even when you want to, hopefully makes it easier to extend some grace to everyone involved (including yourself).

3. Remember that clear is kind. I find that after steps 1 & 2, I’m ready to share what’s on my mind, but most of the actual anger or hurt is gone. But it’s important to remember that the kindest thing you can do is to be completely forthcoming. Part of assuming good intent is also assuming that someone wants to mend the relationship—and that means they need to know what’s bothering you. Be as specific as possible about the behavior in question, then share the impact that has on you.

That doesn’t mean the other person will immediately see things your way. In fact, the whole point here is to bridge the separate realities you are each experiencing. You'll want to give them space to share their experience as well.

As best you can, model the behavior you’d like to receive. This is a pretty big mindset shift for most people. If you get a bit of defensiveness, just keep going and don’t make it mean anything.

It’s a bit like the dentist who once told me, “Always floss your teeth, at least the ones you want to keep.”

I think learning how to have better arguments is a bit like that. Sure, it takes a little more effort and it’s a habit that may be unfamiliar. But it’s a worthy practice—at least for the relationships you’d like to keep.